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Pseudolonewolf`s Avatar Weekly Update Sun 15th Aug 2010 9:41pm

Category: Weekly Updates

Hmm... The last four weeks have been sort of like a cross between an emotional crisis and a break. Strange.

Shortly after releasing MARDEK, I was keeping up with my messages, checking my emails often, reading everything everyone said on MARDEK 3, checking the comments section of Kongregate eagerly every few hours, fixing bugs as I saw them reported, uploading updates every day... I intended to release the game to other sites once the week of exclusivity was over and everything.

But then something - or probably several things - happened, and I started avoiding checking comments on a certain site. Then this avoidance carried over to Kongregate, to my emails... I had an, uh... I suppose you could call it an 'emotional episode' (all internal, not like some shouting, screaming fit that'd get me in an asylum or anything!), and that lasted a few days, during which I fell behind in my email-checking and game updates.
Then the lingering effects of this internal crisis made me afraid to check my emails in case I'd see things I'd neglected to check, in case I'd see I'd disappointed people by not getting to their emails immediately...
The best thing to do would have been to just get it over with, to respond and apologise to anything urgent, since it'd only been a few days and wasn't too much of a concern.
But I didn't do that...

No, instead, I just ignored things, thinking that if I didn't look and see them, they wouldn't bother me!!1 I wouldn't have to attend to what I didn't know about!
So I blocked stuff out, intending to check it 'tomorrow', always 'tomorrow'...

This site went down, and I started on this new version. Working on the new version, away from the people on the old one, I felt like I was in another world, so it was psychologically very easy to just become absorbed by it and to use it as a way of hiding, an excuse to ignore things all the more.

I suppose it's probably a result of 'overworking' for many months on MARDEK. I've not really done anything with my time recently except use the computer all day every day, intending to work 'all the time' and procrastinating constantly instead. I don't set myself work hours or free time for doing anything else for entertainment...
So I suppose it all built up too much and made me eventually break, and dread facing up to my responsibilities or something...

I'm still terrified of checking my emails, and haven't in about a month now. I've been delaying finishing this new site due to procrastination, but I wonder if it's in part subconsciously because once I do finish it, I'll have to move on to something else? Hmm...

Anyway, I feel like once I do check my emails, I'll see a lot of urgent stuff I've been ignoring for a month and it'll make me just die with feelings of failure and embarrassment and regret! Not very professional at all! Though I hope I don't literally. Die, I mean. Hopefully!11

So hmm... It feels like I've 'wasted' a month 'doing nothing' (even though I've made this new, much faster site), and neglecting my work and duties and being all very unprofessional about it. I haven't even been able to relax, like a proper break, since the knowledge that I have to check my emails, see to MARDEK, etc, etc, has been at the back of my mind constantly... Not that that's enough to make me actually, y'know, *do* it. As I said, there were emotional reasons that led to me fearing that. Deep emotional reasons...

Uh, anyway, I'm writing this in the hope that doing so will make my mind consider this the end of this phase, and maybe I can get my act together tomorrow or something. Hopefully...
Yes... Always 'tomorrow'.

I'm also going to start actually spending some of my time NOT being at the computer, so let's hope that helps.

And I suppose I'll finalise the new site next week and replace the old one with it, and start working on another game.
Perhaps MARDEK 4, and Raider at the same time. I want to get those out of the way.

(I wonder how many other developer-type people or whatever who are in my sort of position, writing blog posts for their fans or watchers to read, write such emotionally open things? Maybe I'm being embarrassingly out of line? HMM...)
60 comments

 

60 Commentson 31 roots

Procyonpi`s Avatar
Rating Orb Procyonpi 19 United States 6C 6F
7 years ago | (3)
Pseudo, I can totally sympathize with your avoidance issues. When you've been working on a project for a really long time, it can be easy to just want to shut it out. I've gone through several spells of not checking e-mail for similar reasons. Is it "unprofessional?" Probably. Does it project a good image of yourself? No. Is it a behavior you should try to change? Definitely. But know that it's totally natural, you're not the only one, and you've still achieved more with your life than many people your age (and certainly more than me) despite it.
Theemprah`s Avatar
Rating Orb Theemprah 18 New Zealand PhlegmaticCholeric 10C 21F
7 years ago | (3)
Seeing as you create brilliant flash games for all people to enjoy and do it entirely for free I think you deserve some time to procrastinate or have a breakdown (not that you would want that) or whatever else, so I say you should'nt worry and just adress the problem in the best way you see fit, when you see fit.
EpicPwnage`s Avatar
Rating Orb EpicPwnage 14 Canada PhlegmaticMelancholic 20C 0F
7 years ago | (8)
No worrys Pesudo there's no rush in anything right now. Just chill for a bit then come back on the computer whenever your ready.

Take your time in making those games is what makes them fun. :D
nickcool321`s Avatar
Rating Orb nickcool321 15 SanguineMelancholic 66C 0F
7 years ago | (14)
don't die you are not even halfway done with mardek yet after that go ahead and die because you wont be needed anymore
Spiritblaze`s Avatar
Rating Orb Spiritblaze 11 United States PhlegmaticCholeric 3C 3F
7 years ago | (11)
Pseudo you are AWESOME some idiot (or idiots) shoud'nt lower your morale or your confidence!
Uxnorb`s Avatar
Rating Orb Uxnorb 15 Brazil MelancholicPhlegmatic 10C 44F
7 years ago | (8)
Like you said most devolpers don't talk about their emotions or how they fell,but you you are a good exception,I don't think that I would keep coming here almost every day if you just said talked about your progress and etc,everyone who comes here probably already feels as if they had know you for a long time,because you always say what you think and how you feel.

As for the emotional crisis you should know that this happens with everyone,I,for example,tend to procrastinate a lot whenever I have some kind of important thing to do,and when I think of going back I feel like it's better to just forget it ,althrough this just makes me feel worse,and I never get what I have to do done.Mayble you should just relax and take some time to sort your ideas and everything it may help.

Good luck Pseudo,we are all cheering for you.
The Jop`s Avatar
Rating Orb ! The Jop 17 United States CholericMelancholic 10C 6F
7 years ago | (9)
I'm glad you're so comfortable with what you post on the site. You should be, it's yours, after all. I don't know if I can help, but I hope some of us motivate you.
finnthomas`s Avatar
Rating Orb finnthomas 13 13C 4F
7 years ago | (9)
You wont die on us yet Pseudo, I think you should take a long break...
Kloek107`s Avatar
Rating Orb Kloek107 18 Netherlands Melancholic 6C 12F
7 years ago | (10)
I havn't read through all other answers, but i think as probably more people say, take a longer brake. That is the first and most important one, focus on some other things and relax! (if you know what that word means)
The most important thing is, i think, you should try to really tell how you feel, when you are annoyed and so on. You are doing such a thing right now, telling about how you felt, but the thing is, you analyse yourself and say how you felt(!). Which means that at the time you feel annoyed you dont express yourself, and so emotions wont go their natural way. Ofcourse this might not be the best place, but you should tell others how you feel often. This is in any case really helpfull when you are angry, when you tell others you're angry you often feel directly better and you wont keep a nasty feeling when the fight is over.

In any case i hope you can find a better way of working, as this problem (tommorow... tommorow) is here for a long, long time.
Malifact`s Avatar
Rating Orb Malifact 13 Romania Sanguine 5C 0F
7 years ago | (12)
Lol.A prostitute secretary.Daedalus is right by the way.After all,a secretary would have to be paid at least 300 dolars.But a prostitute secretary?Serious!That would be strange and also a lot more to be paid.Like over 1000 dolard per month.So you get what i mean.And Pseudo lives with his family.If he would have this kind of secretary what his parets would say?Lol.You dont think that its parents would praise him to encourage him doing something like that.That would be way to hilarious and his girlfriend would immediately dumb him.But also its true he would avoid checking messages.Because hes been stressed making Mardek 3.Workking every day and late in the night.Drinking a lot of coffe.Locking in his room for days to finish it.But even if there may be hundreds of mails i think he should check them.Surely there are messages which contain like donations?Or companies paying to put mardek 3 on their site.Since the game is still only avaiable on kongregate and because of that its atracting lots of pseudo fans.So Kongregate has a lot of succes.

P.S But the thing i stil dont get it is how exactly they get money by putting games on their sites.Apart from a headache of lots of players coming on their sites.Hmm...
LWolf`s Avatar
Rating Orb LWolf 18 Romania PhlegmaticSanguine 15C 0F
7 years ago | (6)
You should've made this a reply to daedalus' comment.... it took me a while to find it (it's on the last page - the last comment atm). Also... it's kinda funny how you can get from discussing an emotional breakdown to discussing prostitute secretaries... the internet never ceases to amaze me.


Now... back on the real topic. Yes, i agree that sharing feelings in a blog at such a level of depth isn't such a common thing amongst game devs, but i think it's a good thing... at least it keeps you emotionally open, which in turn is good in avoiding breakdowns (unlike me.. who always keeps all his troubles to himself >.> oh well)
I guess the internet is ok when sharing feelings...
Well then... cheer up pseudo, everything will be fine in the end :D
Malifact`s Avatar
Rating Orb Malifact 13 Romania Sanguine 5C 0F
7 years ago | (1)
Yea i know.Also do ya believe in God?Because i dont really.Why?Because if he wouldd have existed we would be certain that he exists.So HES A MERE LIE MADE BY THE GOVERNOR JUST LIKE SANTA FROM XMAS.Sorry for mistake shout.But i believe in reincarnation not to a system in which i have to follow his path.As the truth says better believe in your loved ones,friends and close family than just follow some liars path of their religion.Because they want to fool ya to just to dont get scared and insane.Thas why this so called doll exists.So that he may calm us .But!I dint say that there arent some mysteries.Mostly certainly they are the key to divine truth.Question is...Can we beat the system and show them that we humans arent some toys that they can discard any second now?But who knows?Maybe in space there are other planets .Maybe they would know the answer.Since galaxy is vast and there isnt such a barrier.
JebRadec`s Avatar
Rating Orb JebRadec 24 United States 10C 0F
7 years ago | (1)
In case you still haven't figured out how sites make money by paying developers to make them games, it's because they put ads right next to the games. Just about every website works this way (though not all). In order to actually get a decent game, they have to pay somebody to make it for they, or buy it from another site. Then everybody that plays the game has to see the ads that they post next to it and every time somebody clicks that ad, the hosting site makes money.
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