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Comment #61309

Userpage: Rating Orb Ooneykcall  
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Rating Orb Ooneykcall 21 Russia CholericMelancholic 145C 61F
4 years ago | (5)
I thought of posting a long-winded response to everything, much like Pseudo did in response to the Frances affair, and perhaps for much the same reasons since it's obviously unpleasant to hear people who hadn't known the peculiars brand you as a nuisance, but then I didn't, since it's a crude and unhappy topic which doesn't make me feel well, so I'm putting a short comment instead with most basic points outlined without much of the rhetoric, convincing or less so, which you are free to think up for yourselves or not to do so, all as you please.

I'll draw an analogy, again much in the good, eloquent style Lonewolf makes such good use of: is it totally fine and just to punish a criminal years after they had committed their crimes, while you could have thrown them in jail at any time (but didn't because you were nicely willing to give them more chances, but then suddenly a private decision is made that they failed to get better, so then those chances are no more and the punishment is enacted)?

There indeed had been quite a long and patent and ugly quarrel between me and Pseudo years before, rising from mutual, though mostly my, misunderstandings and the wrong expectations the somewhat-little-yet boy that I had been had of Pseudo, having been mesmerised by his genius and intelligence and apparently thinking his great mind would surely easily enable him to look through the fog and clear the problems if only he was given some push, which is quite as far from the truth as you could think, and I could hardly be said to understand the psychological workings of his mind that make the aforementioned approach not only useless, but outright unhelpful and abrasive. I was also only getting a nice grasp of English, and sometimes it would result in me saying something bizarre, as it was put, but that's quite a side point compared to the bulk of the misunderstanding.

It took me some years to get a working insight and realise how what I had been doing couldn't work, at which I eventually had the courage to apologise to him... though now I see somehow he thinks that apology was meant to demean him, which it wasn't the case at all for all I can remember - what I remember is that I said that while I had buggered it a great deal, he might have also dealt with it a little better since he was a whole six years older than me, a grown adult, while I had been an adolescent who hadn't matured yet and of course erred in judgment, and really the older comrades could have helped me through it but I don't remember anyone being much inclined to do that. Maybe my memory fails me, maybe not - it is hardly anyone's fault anyway, but perhaps things would have gone differently with that.

Anyway, I made an apology I could and quit bothering him, which means that I stopped talking to him save for some civil and innocent phrases, such as 'Hello, how are you?' as a greeting, and the like. A few months later he started building other sites and stopped coming to FigHunter chat except rarely. He hasn't seen me directly since then; I've left a few comments on various blog posts of his over the course of the past two years, but to the best of my understanding none of them had been explicitly critical, and I had tried to stay neutral and polite.

And then I was suddenly banned, as if nothing had changed, as if I hadn't grown, changed my mind and stayed away from him much for all that time. Sometimes in the last months I had actually tried to bring peace to the chat when there was strife, to calm people and prevent them from repeating my past mistakes - though I admit I hadn't been very successful, and had been occasionally abrasive myself, although I'd hope that was gradually lessening. But then bam! and I am no longer. Well, I was quite angry for a day, then I calmed and thought it could be an opportunity to break my ties with this-here and move on in general (it has been one, more or less), and I could also see where he was coming from, even though I wished he had updated his view of me at all during the years. But anyway, alright I've accepted it enough not to make a fuss over it like some other two did of their bannings.

Now, though, I'm being painted vile and I don't want that. And - a sad surprise for me - a few jumped on the spitewagon and most prominently Alphastoats... who used to be Alphanumerical... who I knew somewhat when on Archive, and he knew me somewhat too, but on the new FigHunter I've barely seen him. Yet he makes statements about how annoying I am, despite hardly knowing me in the last years. I thought of him as a usual fine member who adds some more to the glue keeping the community together, and I still have no reason to see him differently except for that he doesn't appear as often as he used to, but that's a little not nice here, isn't it? I'd think it probably is.

What now? Conclusion? That's quite simple: I'm not the sweetest person around at all, but now perhaps I am mindful enough that one could get to know me without earning themselves some acute pain. There may be various problems with me, but honestly my heart intent is hardly ever hateful, it's only that there is a long path between feeling and action and action often renders ideas inadequate. People may legitimately find me annoying, but I am not evil. And that's it, any extra defence would now risk painting it the wrong way, I suppose.

Squadala, I am off!