|Location:|| United Kingdom|
- Making things
- Classical Music
- Introversion, Consideration
- Irregular personalities
- Open Mindedness, Rationality
- The paranormal!
- BEING ILL, mortality, guns, violence, WAR
- Americanisms, chatspeak, swearing, brevity
- Political Correctness, racism, dishonesty
- Vainglorious egotism, unfounded arrogance
- Pretentiousness, melodrama
- Extroversion, parties, coolness
- Normal People, idiots, people in general
- Religion, closed-mindedness, self-righteousness
- Trends, fashion, following the crowds, conformity
- GUITARS, alcohol, drugs, etc...
- Avoidant Personality Disorder
- General Anxiety Disorder
- Social Anxiety Disorder
I am the creator of this site! I'm a 22-year-old English introverted male with long hair and a silly beard who wears black all the time. I make Flash games, music, and, rarely, drawings...
I'm very bitter.
And I tend to be very wordy (like in this bio...) because I feel that there's a lot to be said, and I value communication. I always want to know what goes through other peoples' minds, and I like to volunteer my own thoughts in as much detail as possible so that people who are curious can be given what they want... Or something. I'd never talk about myself so much elsewhere, but here, I'm writing a lot because I feel that people who come to this site of mine via games of mine might be curious to know about the sort of person behind it all. I know I would be...
Oh, and I use a lot of ellipses (...) and 'uh' and things like that because I'm so unsure of myself all the time; I don't like speaking with confidence and certainty because I'm not really confident or certain about anything, really.
The silly unique class name that I have on this site is what it is not because of some rampant egotism, but because I find it amusingly over-the-top...
I'm Neutral Good, but I'm not always nice to everyone, because niceness and the will to do Good aren't related... I'm a pacifist and the things that I hate the most are people inflicting themselves on others to cause them unpleasantness or similar; most of my hates - and there are a lot of them because I'm a very hateful person, not that that's a GOOD thing but I don't CHOOSE to be this way - are based around people doing things to other people that those other people might not appreciate... So generally I act unpleasant to people if their attitudes or actions go against what I feel is the Greater Good, and I seem to have high standards for such things. TOO high, probably, I realise...
I am NEUTRAL Good and not Lawful Good because, even though the Rules of this site may make me a hypocrite for saying this, I hate it when people tell others what to do. I feel that it is necessary however to PREVENT people from doing stupid things, and I hate the chaotic "you CAN'T tell me what to do!", living by one's own desires with disregard for other people... Neutrality is the middle ground in this, and I feel that the most GOOD solution always be chosen, whether chaotic or lawful. If a law hurts and hinders people, I'm against it, and if there needs to be a law to stop people hurting or hindering others, I'm for it.
I probably seem arrogant and stuck-up, especially since I hate so many things that people like and seem strict on the rules of this site in regards to grammar and such, but I try to do it all for Good reasons... I hate how language skills in general are degenerating, and don't wish that to happen because language is such a beautiful thing, and good communication skills are the most important aspect of peaceful coexistence with others. I want to encourage people to THINK more, to be more careful about how they type and the content of what they type, hence the things like violations and worth and such.
Also, I probably seem more arrogant and full of myself on this site because I do sort of OWN the place... Elsewhere, I'm really meek and, well, I don't even join other forums because I don't want to intrude... I hate it when people do that to me, and I try to live by the 'Golden Rule' (act as you'd want other people acting towards you), in terms of actions if not necessarily attitude... This place IS my 'home on the internet' though, and I built it all myself from scratch and spend a lot of time here. You are guests in my domain here, so I'd expect that you'd at least be respectful of the rules, the other guests, and myself, in the same way that you'd (hopefully) be if you were a guest in someone's house.
I'm very strongly opinionated on a lot of things, since I think a lot and care deeply about the state of the world and the effects of others' actions, so, uh, I tend to argue. I do this not to put people down and elevate myself personally (as a choleric might), but to try to correct some of the wrongness in the world in what little way I can... I base my opinions on logic, rationality and the Greater Good, generally, rather than just on personal 'I feel this should be so' sort of things. (Though I bet that's not accurate! o_O)
I love the idea of the Four Temperaments, and I've been studying them for a long time so I know a lot about them, and can generally identify peoples' temperaments by listening to them talk for a while (since due to their nature, temperaments become predictable and two people with the same temperaments tend to sound very alike, so being used to them, I can recognise these patterns)...
I basically epitomise the melancholic temperament in my attitude (when I was first introduced to the temperaments, I became so enamoured with the concept because I'd always thought I had a 'unique personality', but the description of the 'Melancholy Temperament' was like reading a specific and accurate-in-every-way profile of myself; it even predicted that I'd think I was the only one with my personality!), and for a long time I had just that as my temperament, but I realise that my secondary temperament is phlegmatic, though many people would surely get the impression it's 'choleric' due to lack of understanding of the temperaments concept (my REASONS for doing things are not choleric), and the fact that I act different on this site than I do elsewhere because I'm in a position of power here and it is my domain. Elsewhere, I'm not assertive at all, and I'm quite submissive, but here, things need to be KEPT RIGHT, so I need to do that myself...
I focus a lot on the negatives, and barely, if at all, on the positives in things. If I receive 99 comments of praise hailing me as a god from adoring fangirls who want to have my babies, and one single, poorly-written comment of abuse or displeasure from some 12-year-old boy, I'd probably 'ignore' the praise and dwell too much on the negative comment, TRYING to not let it get to me but it would anyway. Please keep this in mind when commenting on my stuff... I don't ask you to never be critical - since that's the best sort of feedback for improving things - but just think "how would I feel if I received a comment like the one that I am writing?" or something, or if you don't like something, try to say calmly WHY instead of just flinging around abuse. (This is something that everyone should do everywhere...)
Oh, I should mention that I'm self-taught in all my creative pursuits, especially programming, so if you want to make games, I encourage you to teach yourself too! I'll add more here if I think of things...
I wrote a lot about myself in this thread here: [LINK]
I'm an atheist, almost 'anti-theist', but I try to remain open-minded. I do not think that it is right that people should just be allowed to choose to believe whatever rubbish they want because that's an entirely wrong way of thinking; we should not believe what we WANT, but what is demonstrably TRUE. I debate religion often because of this; I want people to be aware of their closed-minded and delusional way of thinking, because I feel that such thought hinders the race, especially if it spills over into other matters in life... I do NOT argue just to show that I am right and better than the other person for not being so stupid, or anything like that.
I have my religion listed not as atheist but as "pantheist?" because I've been doing some 'soul searching' in the last year or two, and have realised that MATERIALISM - which most passionate and vocal atheists would ascribe to - is just as limited and annoying to me as theism, because both proclaim a sort of absolute knowledge about the universe. One says that God DEFINITELY did it, the other says that there is DEFINITELY nothing beyond the material universe... I've seen a lot of compelling things that suggest there's some kind of life after death (though it seems different to what most religions claim), with the materialist 'explanations' for these things generally being 'hand waving'... I find it curious, and wish to study it more rather than accepting anything on blind faith or hope or just mocking and ignoring things out of personal incredulity.
I can't work with other people, and because of this, I haven't ever had a 'real job' and making Flash games is actually something I do in the desperate hope that I can make a living from this without ever having to interact with other people in a work environment... I, uh... have an anxiety disorder thing, and probably Avoidant Personality Disorder, you see, which makes it difficult for me to even go outside a lot of the time, and would make working with others potentially even fatal... o_O
Apart from that, I also feel that my ideas are, uh... incompatible with other peoples'? In a lot of ways, I feel that I'm not 'above' others but 'aside' from them; I've always felt that I've been different from the rest of people my age in my views, interests, mannerisms, etc. I'd make no claims to being unique, however, because I realise that many introverted people feel this way - many of you on this site likely do - but I do realise that being this way doesn't exactly let one fit in comfortably amongst the crowds of 'normal people'...
My ideas and preferences for my own games would likely conflict with any more 'normal' people that I may work with, and also, I only work on my own games because they mean so much to me... They're personal expressions of myself, 'art', as the FAQ says, but if I were to work on part of a game with someone else, or have others work on a game of mine with me, it wouldn't be the same... It'd be Building a Product, almost soulless, and I'd find it hard to get motivated and stressful to be told what to do because I'd feel incapable of living up to expectations... A big fault of mine is refusing to do things because I don't think I'd do them well enough, or even shunning people before they have a chance to get to know and hate me, being the wretched person that I am. o_O
I hate the nation of America - the USA - but, before you people who just happen to have been born there start hating me back in some angry rage for feeling this way, I'll explain my reasoning. I hate the nation, but NOT individuals. People have no choice where they are born, so I don't just hate people immediately BECAUSE they are American. It'd be hard to be that way on the internet, where most people I come across are from the USA or Canada (ugh... I feel so alienated by this fact). I do, however, hate not the POLITICS of the country - I care little about politics in general - but of the general attitude that it and its people give off to the rest of the world. That of bigoted arrogance and so on and so forth, thinking that they're the BEST or even the ONLY nation in the world and that, if they know of countries outside their borders at all, they're likely to see them as little islands full of people with silly accents and clothing and customs. Caricatures. It could be said that I see America the same way, but what many Americans don't seem to realise is that while media from other countries exists in their country as a sort of rare novelty, American media dominates things like film, television and music in the UK and Australia (I've lived in both places), so we're all exposed to a lot of American stuff. I just hate feeling like America is this big, smug bully in the playground who thinks he's the best and should be able to push others around, be able to meddle in others' affairs, and to be looked at and adored while he looks over the heads of everyone else... America may not realise that it seems this way since they don't really know what it's like to see it from the outside (and American pride seems to be such that any criticism isn't allowed, and is responded to with anger or something rather than fair "perhaps things are this way and we need to change"...), but I DO see it from the outside all the time, and I find it intimidating, superficial, and, well, just annoying. I repeat, however, that I don't hate people BECAUSE they are American; I just don't like the country 'as a whole'.
I also hate 'Americanisms' in language, because I love the ENGLISH LANGUAGE - named after ENGLAND, not America - and Americans just abuse and misuse it, shaping it to their fancy... There are more 'Americanisms' than just "color and not colour" and such. Many are illogical things of grammar (which the rest of the world is picking up due to the prevalence of American media, and this gradual assimilation is one of the main reasons that I hate it), and then there are also stupid things like that nonsensical date format (month/day/year... Why don't they also write the time as minutes:seconds:hours? It makes as much sense)... I just find many Americanisms crass, jarring or illogical, though I am aware this is nothing other than bitter preference and I cannot say that British English is absolutely better than the American version.
I only just realised that I didn't explain my name here! 'Pseudo' is a word that basically means 'fake', 'imitation', 'not as it appears to be', etc. There's a pokemon called 'SUDOWOODO' because it's a 'pseudo-tree' - it looks like one but isn't - and there are things like 'pseudo-science' which 'look like' science but aren't. The term 'lone wolf' is a thing in itself; my name doesn't actually refer to the animal as such. A 'lone wolf' is basically a loner, but I like the term because I do like wolves to a degree. I used to have a character in some of my game ideas called 'Lone Wolf'...
But anyway, I'm basically, then, an 'imitation loner', because I've always liked and wanted to think of myself as a loner, due to being introverted and not liking socialising or anything... But I'm also pathetically dependent when it comes to things like even taking care of myself!!1 o_O
I'm timid and lack the confidence to make decisions myself if they involve some kind of interaction with people in Real Life, so I struggle when I have to do things because I just assume I'm doing them wrong and people will look at me like I'm stupid, and I have an Anxiety Disorder which just makes that all worse... SO BASICALLY, my name is saying that I like to be alone, to an extent, but cannot SURVIVE alone. I like feedback from my endeavours, and instead am not social because I struggle with it rather than because I decide that I don't need it... So, uh... hopefully that's some kind of clear?!
Also! While updating my age on this bio from 21 to 22, I've decided to add something else that I've had on my mind for a while. Or rather, I've been passionate about it for much longer, but it's just recently that I was thinking of adding it to my bio.
UFOs! I am interested in those and other such paranormal things, apparently. It may seem silly for me to be a fervent atheist who cites rationalism and evidence as the only reasons that I'll 'believe in' anything yet to not mockingly dismiss ufology and the paranormal, but, uh, I don't know if I really take it 'seriously' as such; it's more like I'm 'open to the idea'. I'm similarly open to the idea of deities; it's just that I don't think that there's evidence of the supposed *character* of certain deities like Yahweh who have definite recorded traits which just never show themselves.
It makes sense to me that there may be alien life watching us, though I wouldn't necessarily believe in the 'greys' or anything like that. Apparently strange sky lights that sound like UFOs have been recorded throughout history; they're not just a modern American cultural phenomenon.
People say 'but if they're aliens, why would they bother travelling all this way for billions of years just to see US?', but that seems to me to be really narrow-minded or something, and it seems that such people implicitly think that they'd be here to look at us *specifically* as if we're special in some way. We're not. As of the present day, scientists think that light speed cannot be exceeded, and people can only seem to conceive of travel through the vacuum of space at a maximum speed of just close to c. But scientists in the modern age HARDLY know all that there is to know about the universe! Alien races that have existed for thousands or even MILLIONS of years longer than we have may well have come up with travel that would allow them to get across the galaxy very quickly, either by exceeding c in some way or, more likely, by bending and warping space or even by travelling through 'other dimensions' or something like that. Who knows? Our science would seem like magic to people in the Middle Ages, so I'm sure their science would seem equally incomprehensible to us.
And if there ARE alien races with such technology out there, then it stands to reason that at least one might explore other worlds, and they might keep track of those with life for all kinds of valid reasons. They could be watching us to see how we develop, out of pure curiosity, or for *security* reasons. We're basically barbarians. We still have wars, racism still exists, many people are arrogant and vile and sadistic and so on. We're wretched creatures, and if we got into space, we'd surely just wage war on other races if we found any, and we'd be a threat, a danger. Probably. It could be that aliens are making sure that we DON'T get into space until we're ready, and they'd welcome us when we were? It would make sense, anyway. It'd be why they've never contacted us; they don't WANT us to know about them because they'd be influencing our society and it could be like a 'Prime Directive' sort of thing.
I don't know what to think of the idea of some ridiculous *global conspiracy* that 'The Government' - as if there is ONE world government - is keeping from the people. It is very probable that something like 'we know that aliens are watching us and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it, and also we don't know their motives' would be unwise for any government to say, though. It'd show that they're weak and helpless for one thing, which would lead people to doubt that they're any use at all; they'd lose power and authority and trust or something. Similarly, there may be mass panic, since people would be paranoid about this unseen watchers who could destroy us at any time. Also, religions might be affected greatly by it; many are based around the idea that we're the only life in the universe, and the presence of 'ETs' would disprove that.
So anyway, there are a load of reasons to think that aliens could be watching us, so I'm very open to the idea.
A lot of people seem to ask me why I have 'guitars' on my Dislikes list, as if it's so very strange that anyone could have anything but love for such things. So I'll explain that here...
There are many reasons that I hate them. First and foremost is because everyone else seems to really love them and for irritating reasons; they represent a kind of 'coolness' that I've always hated, and they're representative of most forms of modern music that I can't stand (like metal and rock and what-have-you). I hate electric guitars most of all because they are doubly associated with such music and attitudes and so on.
In many ways, guitars in the modern era are seen as a symbol as much as a *thing*. How many people think of the guitar in the same way as the flute, the trombone, the triangle? Who, when choosing an instrument to specialise in, picks the guitar by sheer 'random chance' or obscure preference, or because they like it solely as an instrument? Few, I'd bet; most people choose it because it represents this kind of 'coolness' that I hate.
People who play the guitar *are* 'cool', in an objective sense of the word, in modern culture. Many people then end up 'playing' the guitar poorly just to show off, to 'pick up chicks', and so on and so forth. Basically every teen and his or her dog seems to have interest in playing the guitar for these reasons, more than they'd have interest in, say, the violin or the flugelhorn. Who'd think you're *cool* for playing one of those?
There's also just something about the thing as an instrument that bothers me. I can't stand the sound of the electric guitar... I like calm and melodic music as that suits my personality; I admire beauty. Genres with names like 'grunge' are able to arise due to the cacophonous screeching of the electric guitar; it really hurts my ears and makes me sick to the stomach hearing its mere sound. Eugh. Disgusting. Makes me wonder if people have any sense of hearing if they LIKE how those things sound!
The acoustic guitar can sound much nicer though, if played well. But most guitars aren't played well at all. People tend to use them just for 'chords' or something, I've noticed; far from some admirable complexity of music that I'd admire and be inspired by. Whether or not these chords are difficult to physically play is meaningless.
I've used various kinds of guitar in my own music, so I can understand their uses. But I do hate guitars as a symbol, a thing, something that people want so then they can be COOL and so on. Ugh.
Hmm, something else I want to write about is my 'Exceptional' Empathy and Introspection as set on my personal information page.
I spend a *lot* of time in introspection, analysing every little thing about myself and I understand myself very well indeed. This is extremely important to me, this kind of self-understanding, and it bothers me that other people might be lacking in self-awareness, might be unaware of their own flaws and things like that.
Empathy is extremely important to me too. This is the ability to imagine what someone else might be feeling or thinking. I try to do this all the time, imagining others' internal reactions... It's not merely a matter of imagining *yourself* in their place, but imagining what *they* would be feeling; if you do something to someone that wouldn't bother you, it doesn't mean that you can tell them to 'get over it', since it might bother *them*.
Due to my empathy - which is born of an analytical and emotionally sensitive nature, a phlegmatic desire to not offend and hurt others, an appreciation of gentleness and a necessary dose of self-preservation - I really, REALLY hate behaviours like teasing, bullying and trolling. Due to 'living on the internet', trolling is one that gets to me a lot these days.
I am probably an easy target for trolls because I don't merely shrug or laugh off any abuse; I get hurt deeply by things because I care about them so much, or something. I take to heart what people say.
The idea of someone sitting behind their computer, riling someone up with words while laughing, knowing they can't be harmed in response, is something that really, *really* makes my blood boil; I honestly wish people like that would simply die. They're a disgrace to humanity.
It's something only possible to do if you lack the empathy to care about how the other person might be feeling, to maliciously toy with another being's feelings, to *torture* them in ways you wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of yourself (though I imagine many trolls would merely laugh off such things if directed at them (another 'injustice' which makes me livid), and so belittlingly say that their victims merely need to do the same; unable to imagine *their* feelings but only able to put *themselves* in the other person's *position*, or something).
I strongly hate anyone who has ever teased, bullied, trolled, played 'pranks', etc, or any of this stuff which causes another living creature distress for their own amusement. It's something I truly consider Evil, and utterly disgusting.
I also hate people who say things along the lines of 'it's the internet, you aren't supposed to take it seriously!', especially when it's to rationalise their trolling. Such things to me show that the person is unable to comprehend that they're communicating with real human beings via the internet, with real minds and feelings; they seem to lack the mental capacity to see online interactions in genuine real-life terms.
I've been wanting for a while to make a section for writing descriptions of why you chose each value for your personality stats, but I've never got around to it. I feel that I want to explain mine here though, partly just because people might wonder why they are what they are, and also because they're perhaps a bit strange, with some as high as 'exceptional' while my general self-esteem claims to be 'poor' and so on.
This is something that I am unsure about. I don't think that I am 'average-looking' in the sense that I look like an average person, or fit by the standards of an Averagely Attractive person with a fairly bland face... I think I look particularly ugly and always have; I'm skinny and pale and have a narrow face, a big nose, extremely pale skin, a freckled texture to my face skin, and my hairline has always seemed too high to me. I never really received any comments about my looks either way through my earlier life, so I just didn't know what to think at all. I especially didn't know any females, so I couldn't know what they'd think.
However, apparently my girlfriend that I have now finds me attractive, and particularly so, such that she's constantly telling me so and sometimes just staring at me and doing other things that suggest she genuinely means what she says instead of just saying so out of politeness or something.
So, as a result, I've just put it as 'average' as a way of being between my own thoughts that I'm ugly, and hers that I'm extremely attractive, or something.
I quite literally spend most of my days these days sitting in my chair at my computer; the only movement I do is to go into the bathroom, which is right next to my room, or to go downstairs two or three times to acquire food. I've never been fit; like many 'academically-minded' people, I've always hated sport and exercise and such and I preferred instead to think.
I get exhausted walking upstairs or downstairs, my legs burn if I ever go for a five-minute walk, and I have no muscle to speak of. I've always been known as someone with pitiful strength; my mother refers to me as a 'weakling' when I am unable to lift things with both hands that she can lift with one, that kind of thing.
SOCIAL SKILLS: I'm woefully incompetent in this regard, like so many typical introverted academics, or 'nerds', if you prefer, yet it's higher than Feeble since I feel that I can at least put my thoughts into words mildly better than some people I've known of, and I'm always constantly self-aware of what's going on and how the person I'm communicating with might be feeling, so I'd not do something that would greatly offend them or anything like that (though this is easier to do in person, and when I'm not in the Administrator position of this site).
Still, having to ever interact with people is something that absolutely terrifies me, and I spend a lot of time going over memories of acting out of sorts in social situations, saying the wrong thing, etc, and I cringe when they come to mind.
I've always absolutely *hated* the very idea of 'coolness'; I remember all through my school life, I'd complain about it vocally and glare at people who wished to be 'cool' or something like that; I regarded it as conformist and something like 'arrogance' in a sense, and I also despised the fact that people who were 'cool' teased those who weren't, which isn't exactly letting everyone be how they choose to be. Ugh.
I've never been remotely 'cool', though. My social groups have always been the bottom-of-the-social-ladder all-male 'nerd' types; the ones who people might say 'ew, THOSE guys?' when talking about us, if they noticed us at all, which was unlikely. I never even liked the other members of these groups I was in, but it was basically all I could get.
My complete absence of confidence is something that makes my life very difficult at times. In a way, it's born of my empathy, as well as things like my phlegmatic aspects and the anxiety probably-disorder that I seem to have. Like many others, I'm constantly concerned about what others around me think of me, but to an extreme degree, and my self-deprecating nature assumes I'm doing something weird or wrong and then I worry that people are judging me for it, and since I feel things deeply, that bothers me a whole lot and makes me want to go and hide in a hole somewhere.
It's extremely difficult for me to do even simple things like going in shops, since they involve social interaction, and I've never, ever had the confidence to initiate conversation with people I don't or barely know, even online; most conversations I've ever had using IM programs are started by the other person, because I don't want to be a bother and disturb them, which I assume I would be doing due to low self-worth and the thought that I'd not want to be disturbed, so I won't inflict that on them... I always wanted female friends in person, but never had any since I only talked to people who talked to me, which turned out to always be low-hierarchy males. I didn't have a girlfriend until I was about 19 or so, and we met online, with her starting to talk to me first; the mere thought of going to *chat up* a girl in person was enough to probably make me faint, and I'd rather have chopped off my own arm.
I am 22 as of the time of writing, and still live with my parents, since I cannot survive alone. I don't earn enough money, for one thing; I've never had a job, since the idea terrifies me... I'd not have the confidence to do what was expected of me, and hate responsibility since I'll only mess up. I don't want people to depend on me since I will only disappoint them. I suppose I feel that since I cannot do things perfectly, then I can't do them at all, or something.
If put in a situation where I had to survive by myself, I probably wouldn't make it. I've never gone and lived in dormitories at university because of my lack of independence; the thought of doing so is a nightmare to me.
I am a perfectionist, an idealist, with a set of values that I hold strongly. These values include things like being 'nice' to others (in a gentle, inoffensive way rather than a jolly, happy, social, friendly sort of way), never harming others (I am a pacifist), always considering others' feelings, etc...
However, I notice that things such as empathy and introspection are rare in most people that I come across, and this leads to the Average Person generally being casually and apathetically cruel at times without even really caring about it. Atrocities such as war can happen due to how the average person's mind works; while it might not be them initiating it, they're the ones who'd become the soldiers.
Things that go against my set of values really, really bother me, and make me 'distressed', 'upset' and 'frustrated' rather than 'angry'. I want for them to be different. Things such as trolling, for example, are something that I have no tolerance for and simply wish gone completely from the world.
So when something goes against my idea of the perfect world, I wish for it to change, and I don't just ignore it and say things like 'that's just the way things are', etc. I don't exactly go out on protests or anything either, but I am internally rather upset by it.
My idea of 'perfection' is rather narrow, and I tend to dislike things that don't fit into it, often strongly so. This intolerance is one of my greatest faults.
However, these things are generally always behavioural. Just to be clear. ('Intolerance' is so often applied to racism, y'see, and I hate racism and don't want to accidentally be assumed to be racist...)
This is something I've already mentioned at length. It's 'exceptional' simply because I come across so many, many people who seem to not have empathy at all, and it's something I really, really wish were different. Instead of feeling all braggy about mine being soooo high, it makes me distressed and upset to know that I am very much a strong exception to the average person in this regard, but I wish it wasn't so, and that others cared about others like I do.
While I can always try to feel another's feelings, it doesn't necessarily mean that I would always like the feelings that they feel. For example, I may understand the emotional and thought processes behind a troll, but it just serves to upset me and hate them all the more.
Generally I dislike people who lack empathy.
I have had this one called into question by some unpleasant types who've been on the receiving end of my bitterness on this site. And it is a strange value that I've set it at, since my overall demeanour isn't remotely pleasant or friendly; it's characterised very strongly by bitterness and I hate everything.
However, my empathy serves to make me 'nice' to those who are on my good side; I've been called 'the nicest person I know' by people before, due to being considerate and listening rather than, say, teasing or talking exclusively about myself or something.
As mentioned earlier, I'm a pacifist and hate the very idea of hurting others. I don't kill insects, spiders, etc, because I can't; I simply don't have it in me to take another living being's life away from it. I have spent almost entire nights before cowering from some insect or spider that I'm scared of but don't want to harm, trying to catch it and stay as far away as I can at the same time... I'd easily sacrifice my time like that rather than merely killing it since it's an inconvenience to me.
All of these things added up come to 'Above Average', I'd say. Not higher due to my bitterness, not lower since the average person would probably tease a bit for a laugh, kill insects without thinking about it, and so on.
My empathy and 'niceness' make me considerate towards others' feelings, and I try my best to not be a bother directly, in that I wouldn't tease someone purely to harm them for my enjoyment. I am, however, opinionated, and tend to express my opinions honestly, which can at times make the person I'm talking to *offended*; take, say, the example of my stance on religion, which I'd express at someone religious even if they didn't like me doing so. I wouldn't however focus on personal traits, like 'you're fat; someone needed to say it', because I hate people who do that kind of condescending, inconsiderate, hurtful thing purely for its own sake.
I hate how many social interactions are characterised by a sort of general dishonesty; Political Correctness and that sort of thing. Where people don't say what they're really thinking, or say things which make them look clever, wise, *pretentious*. I tend to say things that generally are in accordance with what I think; again, this isn't the same as the type who'd be blunt and say 'I say what's on my mind, deal with it', where 'what's on their mind' would be whatever insults casually came to mind which they'd defend as such...
I don't like to take part in this sort of small talk, bragging, fake niceness, etc, (I suppose this is a result of poor social skills) and as such I suppose my tact is less than those who do.
Honesty is something that I hold very dear. This ties in with my displeasure towards that sort of 'fake niceness', Political Correctness, and other social fakeries of the sort. It can go too far though, like the people I just mentioned who'd bluntly insult others and defend it by saying they were 'just being honest'.
While I can and do lie about things - often via omission - I find it difficult to do since I have an innate sense of 'doing something wrong' that stops me from doing things such as lying, swearing, disobeying authority, etc.
If I was in a debate or similar, I would use only facts, and wouldn't warp them to my own needs. I hate people who do that... or who lie about things they've blatantly done.
Like so many young academic types, I always thought that I was extremely clever, perhaps the cleverest person in the world in my very younger years. I was top of my class in primary school, and people knew me for my intelligence and so on. However, in later years of school, I was never a high achiever; I was something like Above Average rather than exceptional, since I didn't do a lot of homework due to paying more attention to teaching myself how to code and so on. So I'm not one of those people who could say "I always got A's!!!" or "I was in college at age 13!!!" or "I have won lots of awards for intelligence-based competitions!!!" or whatever.
I wonder how much a part the parents play in such academic achievements, however, as well as the social climate of the school in general; I didn't excel since my parents never really took any interest at all in what I was doing and I went to schools in Australia that seemed to emphasise sporting achievements a whole lot but not so much academic ones.
Anyway, my experience with people on this site is humbling, as I've seen many people much younger than me who are much more intelligent-seeming than I am.
I'm clever enough to code competently and pick things up well enough, but I'm certainly not a genius and I'd probably not do too well at complex puzzles, etc (which I don't do for fun).
I used to regard Intelligence as the most important trait of any person, saying that people below a certain IQ should be culled (semi-seriously, if not entirely), but now I think very differently; 'morality' is far, far more important than intelligence by itself, though I still think to some degree that a sharp intellect can really help to develop a strong moral conscience.
I've always been very naive, all throughout my life. I've been sheltered, and just not aware or capable of many things that the average person can do or talk about without thinking about it. I'm clueless about pop culture references often enough, and lack the ability to do many real-life activities such as using a bus or going to the doctor's.
I like learning well enough, and have accumulated enough knowledge and perhaps have insight that the average person would not have... I've been called 'wise' by others.
All added up, I'd probably say Below Average is an approximate fit.
SENSE OF HUMOUR:
It's interesting that people seem to regard me often as some humourless, serious, cold person, but perhaps it's because I just don't share their particular brand of humour (which is probably based around trolling, speaking from experience). I try to inject humour into much of what I say, but it's generally rather dry.
A good example of my humour can be seen in my games, such as MARDEK. I don't like things that take themselves too seriously to the point of seeming all pretentious and melodramatic (I've had comments apparently saying that MARDEK 'wasn't serious enough' and should have been more like that). People have commented that MARDEK is 'genuinely amusing', unlike much of the attempts at humour in other games, which is derivative and forced.
Many people derive their humour from quotes and memes; they make others or themselves laugh basically by copying something that made them laugh originally. I hate this kind of thing, however, and try to avoid it myself, as well as pop culture references that people might not get (including myself, since I am naive about pop culture anyway!). I've always thought that people who use memes and such do so because they lack wit.
Comedy is probably one of my favourite genres of thing, and most of the stuff I watch on the telly is Comedy. I hold many (UK) comedians in high regard.
I am picky about what I like though; schadenfreude bothers me, as do the derivative forms of humour that I mentioned, like memes. I tend to prefer British humour over American humor, too, largely because I'm *from* Britain so it appeals more to my mentality.
(Hmm, I've noticed I've not been very funny in this bio; must be my state of mind.)
Empathy and Introspection are what I regard as my two strongest traits, since I practise them often enough. I spend a *lot* of time thinking about myself just because I'm not at all outgoing, and as such I've had a lot of time to analyse and learn why I do what I do. I know myself well, and I always try to be self-aware about what I'm doing or saying around others to see if what I'm doing might be upsetting them or something.
When I was first introduced to the temperaments, it was through a page which contained a 'quiz' of sorts, with the descriptions of each temperament at the bottom. However, I never did the quiz; I just went straight down and read the descriptions, and when I read the melancholic one, I knew that it was me because it really *clicked* and essentially listed all the traits I've always known that I have. It described me so well that I became as fond of the temperaments as I am, and I go on about them a lot since I wish other people could get that same lovely feeling I got from the experience.
I've set this as Exceptional rather than a lower value because I've noticed that a lot of people lack self-awareness, and it's really distressing to me... It's one of the things that I hold high as one of my most important values that I wish other people would have, to create a better world.
I originally had this set as 'above average', but changed it later to 'great', sort of reluctantly. I do not feel that I am particularly creative in an imaginative sense, or something. However, I spend much of my time creating things like games, music, drawings, and so on, and I've always had interest in those kinds of fields. I spend so much time doing them compared to the average person, and my creative skills are varied and observably competent enough (without being stunningly good, since I don't focus on just one enough to excel in it), that 'Great' probably fits. Probably...
I am a pessimist, and assume the worst all the time. However, I suppose I've been fairly 'optimistic' in terms of my achievements, and release dates and so on... at least, outwardly, even if I internally never think I'll achieve what I claim.
I am pessimistic towards my own ability - always assuming I'll fail; it's a big reason I don't want a job, as I'm sure I'd fail - but I'm also pessimistic towards the abilities and actions of other people. I'm always surprised when I encounter someone nice or clever, since they've been so rare throughout my life experiences or something.
I hate people who are arrogant and who brag about their own abilities; I don't brag and come across as self-deprecating.
However, this stat is what it is due to my perfectionism; I hate being inferior to others in terms of creative skills not because I think I am or should be amazing, but because it upsets me that I am so far from perfection, or something. I am after all an idealist sort of person...
So while I'm likely less braggy than the average person - since I try not to do it at all - and would never try to brag about my abilities and achievements, it does bother me when I am not as competent as others.
This and my 'intolerance' are perhaps my greatest faults. I am extremely jealous by nature, largely because I never had a lot when I was little and yet everyone else has so much more, things I've always wanted, etc, and that really gets to me. Something of particular note is the fact that I never had female friends but always wished I did; nowadays, when people talk about their female friends, or even girlfriends at like age 13, it makes me very bitter indeed since I am completely envious of that. It might seem an odd thing to even *care* about to one who has never had a problem with having friends of both sexes, but that would of course be because it's never been a problem for you... Uh, obviously.
I am very jealous in my relationship, which is not a good thing, but I also wouldn't deny it. The very thought of my girlfriend talking to other males really bothers me a whole lot... and so on.
I am envious of others' skills, too. I used to be a member of deviantART, and looked at other peoples' art fairly often, but now I can't seem to visit it at all anymore since the skill of other people compared to my own just makes me abysmally miserable; I can't just ignore that my skill is puny compared to others, it seems. And rather than using it as inspiration to try better myself, I just feeling like giving up entirely. This is how my mind is wired to work.
Similarly, I tend to avoid playing Flash games since I know I'd only end up feeling bad about my own work and unable to do any of it if I saw people achieve much greater things than I can.
Envy is something that I struggle with, then, and which makes all important aspects of my life more difficult.
I grew up not having much; many days, I went without food entirely, and I wasn't exactly fortunate when it came to having possessions either. As a result, I do not indulge since I'm simply not accustomed to the idea of it. I've always hated people who gorge themselves, because it seems really inconsiderate and reminds me of things like 'arrogance' or something, if they feel they are deserving of so much. Or something.
Similar to the above, I've never really felt the need to have more than I do. I rarely acquire possessions, and have no desire to achieve great wealth.
I am 'selfish' when it comes to things such as sharing; I prefer to keep what's mine for myself rather than sharing with others, BUT if offered something by another, I will generally refuse. I don't like receiving gifts since I genuinely wish people hadn't gone to the bother of getting me anything. Even receiving donations is difficult for me, and I keep wanting to tell people to not do so, to keep their money for themselves, whether I need it or not.
Due to my lack of experience with females in any way for most of my life, I have become, uh, particularly 'sensitive', I suppose you could say, in this area. And desireful. I'm not a wild *sex animal* and would never seek sexual activity in extroverted ways; it's more the way my mind works and perceives things internally that could be said to be particularly lustful. Much of my humour is sexual, it seems. (These days, anyway; it used to be that I was terrified of the idea of sex, blushed when anyone mentioned it, couldn't say the word 'sex' myself, didn't, uh, do... anything sexual... with myself... y'know... Uh. Yes, I was very avoidant of all things sexual, and shy about it all.)
There's more I could say about this that set me apart from the sex-minded Average Male Of My Age, but here's not really the best place to go into such intimate details!
I suppose that I procrastinate a lot... Though I also hate the idea of people just lying around, wasting their time. I always feel that I must be working, or else I'm wasting time; going a day without doing anything productive feels like a complete waste. So consciously, I WANT to work far more than it seems I'm actually able to do.
I don't like people who proclaim they're 'lazy' almost as if bragging; I mean, compare how people say 'I'm so lazy' to 'I'm so cruel'; one is said more openly than the other, generally. I don't like people taking pride or acceptance in their 'laziness' like this.
I 'don't get angry'. While I may have been something like angry before, my unpleasant moods are more like 'distress', 'bitterness', or 'frustration'; I'd consider them to be very different.
For example, I glare and scowl often enough when things bother me, which seems to be often due to my idealist nature, but I am simply incapable of angry outbursts including shouting, violence, etc. Such things terrify me, and even at my worst I don't think I could do that. I get cruel and bitter in my words, perhaps, rarely, when really riled up for a long time, but most things just make me grumble and glare and wish that things were different.
I simply don't have any 'force' about me, personally... and as a result, I don't like people who do, it seems. Hmm.
If *really* pushed, I'd end up crying rather than shouting and screaming.
With many in-person things that really make me 'riled up', I just grit my teeth and say nothing, not because I've consciously decided that I must control myself, but because I don't seem to have it in me to act more outwardly than that.
Finally, I've got to the end!
I am fairly 'content', in a sense, with who I am. When people suggest that I change to something different - 'get out more!', 'be more positive!' - it is annoying to me since I want to resist the change, and would rather be me than something else that I'd need to put effort into changing into.
However, I am aware of my many flaws, and spend a whole lot of time feeling bitter about it. I don't brag and don't like putting myself in a positive light; when I am complimented, I find it difficult to accept and don't know how to respond; it makes me feel rather awkward, actually. When insulted, however, I take it deeply to hurt and get very upset, and spend a while afterwards thinking about what was criticised about me.
The things that I feel I am 'good' at - empathy and introspection - don't make me happy; it just makes me upset knowing that I am indeed an exception, and that other people don't value these things as highly as I feel that they should.
I'd never resort to self harm or suicide and I don't think that I am worthless or anything like that; rather, my lack of 'self-esteem' is more like a conscious desire to avoid tooting my own horn, since I hate people who do that.
So overall, I've put 'poor' because even though I am satisfied with who I am, I'm also bitter about many of my traits and hate the idea of bragging and find compliments difficult to accept. Yes.